:: punched, drunk and loved ::

Dienstag, Mai 17, 2005

i want the Xbox 360!!!!!!!!!!

but since that is not going to happen for quite some time...

i am looking for white hairpins. u know those black bobby-pins? they sell that in rainbow colours too.. but i only want the white ones. and the reds. and a certain shade of green. if anyone knows where to get a pack of that in white or wun mind sharing the rainbow pack plz lemme know!

why do i need them is becoz i have decided not to cut my hair yet-again. becoz cut hair also cost money. i think the ah bangs are actually relieve for this fact. the not-going-to-happen haircut i mean. they think that i am getting addicted to haircuts. i'm not! just that my hair doesn't exactly grow into a nice full mane so i get a paintbrush or a skinny whiplash instead of a nice ponytail and u all always laugh at that and then i get irritated with the hair, the weather, the shampoo, blahblahblah and i'll go n cut it off b4 it.

u know, i was incredibly worried even before the end of the last paper, becoz everyone else started bombarding me with all the "so, how are u gonna make ur holidays meaningful?"s.

i didn't start off intending to make my holidays meaningful. i knew i needed this hols to sort out some personal stuff. which is why i am organising and re-organising bits and pieces of my life. and finally seeking the medical attention that i need. the reflection is long due, and i guess i have been putting it off again and again, always thinking abt it for a short while, but then getting distracted by the bright lights of other things.

i have learnt wat is me and/or impt to me: my old frens, sweet-nothings, an insane unmatched love for tidiness, an incurable lazybone, the mistakes i've made leading up to the dark period of time, the question-mark fact that i enjoy both physical exertion and inactivity at the same time, the family members even tho' things are not going well for some time, that i keep second-rating myself etc. and what i am actually not, even tho' i thot i am: heartless, selfish, confident, spirited, etc. or maybe all these "weights" have made me less enthusiastic and spirited. and how everything that has happened has shaped my values and outlook.

anyways, this is an incredibly accurate mood tester which i do from time to time (do it w/o thinking. it really captures wat u are going thru' at different periods) except that this time i dun understand wat they really mean.

Much of the time you are preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature. You need stimulation and variation with all matters pertaining to your life. You want to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality being able to charm and influence others. You use powerful strategies with predictable outcomes so as to avoid endangering your chances of success or undermining other people's confidence in you.

You want what you want and you need all that you want and, as they say in the movies, you are the sort of individual that 'By hook or by crook' you will, by fair means or foul, endeavor to get what you are looking for.

Your involvements seldom measure up to your high emotional expectations and your 'needs' to be 'loved' and 'cared for' have in the past often led to extreme disappointment. But a change is in the wind - make a firm decision to start anew. Just 'think' it..and it will happen.

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

You really like doing what you do and, more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that 'If it's not fun - then don't do it'. You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but for what you are - and it seems to be working.

it sure makes me sound very cunning. wat "by hook or by crook". but i am not such a goal-getter. really.

it was |11:57:00 PM|